Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!

I hope that everyone is thankful for what they have every day, but if not, today is the day to appreciate it.  The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade is on right now.  As per tradition, I’m sitting in front of the TV watching it.

I am thankful for so many things.  I am thankful for my friends who have helped me through my darkest moments.  I am thankful for the people in Pittsburgh who have taken me in and made me part of their community.  I’m thankful for my education and home and opportunities.  There is so much that I can say I’m thankful for.

I guess the one thing that I really want to say I’m thankful for is the past.  Things have, by no means, been easy for me.  There have been plenty of “life sucks so much” moments.  But I am thankful for those experiences because they have shaped me into the person that I am now.  They have given me the ability to try to help and understand others.  Few things are more important than that.

I end my ramble with today’s quote from thoughtful-mind.

You have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you.

― John Bunyan

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Black on White on Fire

There is an episode of a show called Quantum Leap that’s titled “Black on White on Fire.”  This episode is about the Watt’s Riots that were held in Los Angeles in 1965.  Here’s the Wikipedia article about it:

Does any of that sound familiar?  If you thought about Ferguson, Missouri, you and I are thinking along the same lines.  History is repeating itself.

I have been silent the last few days because I haven’t been sure of what to say.  One of my closest friends lives in St Louis, and I’ve been scared for her and her family’s safety.  Thousands of children have not had school.  There has been violence and vandalism in that city because of the grand jury’s decision.  Why?  Why have people resorted to violence and vandalism?  Why are cars being set on fire?

It’s not right.  The violence and fires and vandalism are hurting the business owners who have done nothing to warrant such treatment.  There’s a traumatizing aspect to all of this as well.  Can you imagine being in first or second grade and looking outside your window to see a police car on fire and the local Walgreens in ruins?

Across the rest of the country, people have been protesting as well.  That’s fine.  It’s within everyone’s rights to protest peacefully.   If you want to chant “Hands up, don’t shoot” and “Black lives matter,” then you’re welcome to do so.

Wait.  Don’t all lives matter?  Not just black lives or white lives or Asian lives?  Yes.  All lives matter.  The core of the protests we’re seeing today is that black lives and white lives and all other lives are being treated differently.  If Michael Brown hadn’t been black, would protests of this scale be happening?  Probably not?

I know that’s not the situation, and I also know that there are plenty of statistics and opinions that show that non-white people are treated unfairly compared to white people.  That is the issue.  The United States claims all people are created equal, but those proclamations are just words until something changes.

If you’re going to protest, that is up to you.  But don’t protest one person’s death because he was black and killed by a white man.  Protest the circumstances that surround it.  Protest the “black vs white” dynamic that has appeared by ignoring what someone looks like and focussing on their personality.  Protest the contented silence that fills the air and engulfs every person every day by speaking when others are silent.  Protest the empty words by working to make a difference.

Do it peacefully.  To do otherwise makes the situation worse.  To do otherwise takes us back 50 years to the Watt’s Riots.  50 years of progress, whether you see it as a lot or a little, will mean nothing.


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Night: Snow/Midnight/Minstrels by George Winston.

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It was a bad weekend.

I am feeling the effects.

Inside, everything is cold.  Empty.  Void of all things that could even turn into warmth or substance.  It feels like there are icicles inside of me, and it feels like the cold that’s coming off of them is spreading.  It’s causing me physical pain.  I feel like I’m going to be sick.  I want to retch.  I want to throw up and make the darkness go away.  It’s not that simple, though.  I know it’s not going to just go away.

I can’t eat.  I can’t drink.  I can’t sleep.  I can’t concentrate.  I can’t be a normal person.  The tendrils from the cold feeling are poking into every bit of me they can find.  They are getting a grip on the things that make me human and squeezing as tight as possible.  It’s been slowly happening for a few days.  Now I’m starting to feel the ramifications.

I don’t know what to do.

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Fix You

By Coldplay.

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A lot happened.  Things aren’t good.  Things will never be good again.

Someone told me that things will get better.  That I’ll heal and move on.  I told her she was wrong.

Time and time again I have given my heart and soul to people. And time and time again it has been broken and pieces taken, never to be returned. At this point, what remains are the dregs deemed inadequate for any individual. The fragments that remain are nothing but the worst.

There’s nothing worth salvaging.

What can I do from here but shut the world out?  The slivers that remain need to be protected.

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Little tree

Sometimes I feel like the little tree in A Charlie Brown Christmas. Not anywhere near as pretty or glamorous as all the others. That lonely little tree that only a few people seem to like.


At the end of the movie, everyone gets together and decorates the little tree and makes it beautiful and loved. Linus even gives the tree his blanket.

I’m envious. What a lucky little tree.

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