Today I got tattoos on my wrists.
No, I’m not joking. I’m dead serious (no pun intended for those who know about my most recent episode).
People may ask why tattoos, why on my wrists, why now, why those designs? My answers will come. Hopefully they’ll make sense. Even if they don’t, though, they make sense to me.
Do you see those horizontal lines? Yes, those scars caused by my own little razor blades (which I never used until I got to college). That is something I deal with and have tried to stop, but it’s hard. When I get in a bad mental place, sometimes the only thing that can help is physical pain. For a short while, the physical pain replaces the emotional and mental pain. It lets me live a little more freely. It’s even given me the chance to recover enough to pull myself out of a dangerous place.
Lately, though, things have been more difficult than they have been in a long time. I’ve been slipping into a darker place every day. Sometimes it feels like there’s a little bit of relief on the horizon, but that tiny bit isn’t enough to help me out of the dark place I’m in.
That’s where this story starts. Being in a bad place. When I’m in this place, the world goes to pieces. There are a few things that can help, but I never seem to remember them. These are a reminder.
They’re a reminder that I am surrounded by people who I love. That I am loved by others, no matter how hard that may be for me to believe (believe me, I think I’m deluding myself sometimes). They’re a reminder that I need to be strong for others. That maybe there’s a part of me that IS strong enough to keep living through these dark and difficult times. That I can be strong enough to stop cutting, stop my bad habits, and get to a better place.
Yeah, I know, I sound completely insane. Too many times have I told myself that I am weak, pathetic, and not worthy of love.
You know, sometimes I tell myself that things will get better. Most of the time I just laugh at my foolish optimism and say I sound delusional. It’s not nearly that easy, but I have a reminder now. Perhaps one day, I’ll believe in my own reasoning:
Love and strength. They are the two things I need to remember to make it through this.