Thoughts from the past night (from both me and others).

  • You learn who your real friends are when you desperately need a shoulder to cry on.
  • Sometimes it’s not always your fault.  No matter how much you blame yourself, you shouldn’t blame yourself for other people’s decisions.
  • It’s okay to cry.  Even in public.
  • Hope is just as dangerous and painful as before.  It may actually be worse now, actually.  I was hopeful, and I got what I was hoping for…only to have it taken away.
  • Other people really don’t know what’s best for you if they make a decision (for you) that completely destroys you.
  • The pain CAN get worse.
  • Being right about some things REALLY sucks.
  • The next few days are going to make or break me.
  • It shouldn’t take an hour and 2 people to get me to finally get up.  But it did today.  It may take more next time.
  • I have lost everything that I’ve spent the last 2 months working to build.  Lost here means it was taken from me.
  • Being alone is a really bad idea.  Surround yourself with people so that nothing bad will happen.
  • I cannot internalize this or it will kill me.
  • Even after everything that’s happened, I can’t hate.  I can only be sad and blame myself and wonder what I should have done differently.
  • I still have friends and people who care and who are here for me.

And life goes on.

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This is my farewell to the sorority experience.  I’ve been asked to leave Alpha Chi Omega.


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Evening Quote

I try not to post too many quotes too close together (time-wise), but this one really spoke to me.  I’ve made very clear my opinion on things like hope, but it’s still…thought provoking, I suppose.  Especially the first line.  As many people know, I exist at a certain level of self-loathing…

To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless.

― Gilbert K. Chesterton

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I’m trying to get myself back into a routine- waking up, eating properly, doing homework, blogging, all of that fun stuff.  Except…it isn’t really fun.  So much of it is just a task I’m obligated to do.  It’s rather unfortunate.

I feel like right now, life is rather unfortunate.  Maybe it’s just right now.  Hopefully it’s just right now.  I’ve been making an amazing amount of progress in being less depressing and death-oriented.  A very good friend of mine told me that I’ve made good progress.  I can tell.  Eating is far less difficult now.  It’s not something I enjoy doing, of course, but at least I’m eating once a day more than just 3 times a week.

There have been many thoughts running through my head tonight.  They’re fairly miserable on some level, I suppose.  I need to figure out what I’m going to do with myself.  There are some things I want to do, some things I feel like I need to do, and things that I know I cannot do without severe consequences.

I do need to take a moment to thank some people.  Without them, I wouldn’t be facing these choices.  Instead, I’d have just acted on impulse/without thinking.  They know who they are, I hope.

It comes down to this, then.  What’s going to happen?  Sounds tantalizing, I know, but really, there’s nothing fun or joyful or even pleasant about making these decisions.  I think one of them may (not physically, but perhaps mentally/emotionally) hurt some people, particularly myself.  It’s for the best, though.  It’s in the majority’s best interests, even if it’s questionable for mine.

I need to find myself again.  I need to get to the core of my being.  My character was called into question last week, and now I need to deal with the aftermath of that incident.  I need to figure out just how bad of a person I am.  I need to know why I never doubted my character before.  It was actually one of the few things I was ever proud of or pleased with or whatever you want to say.  Not anymore, though.


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Quote Tonight

Carnival is over.  I need to find the words to describe it.  Not all of them will be pleasant, unfortunately.  I must admit, I was not very happy with Carnival.  I suppose it is no one’s fault but my own, though.  We create our happiness, right?  Sometimes, maybe.

It’s been an interesting few days.  I shall leave my opinion there, though, because I have a quote tonight.  I’ve thought about it, and the more I think about it, the more I realize how selective I am about those I call friends and how much it means to me.

Friendship- my definition- is built on two things. Respect and trust. Both elements have to be there. And it has to be mutual. You can have respect for someone, but if you don’t have trust, the friendship will crumble.

― Stieg Larsson

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Juke Box Hero

It’s Wednesday.  It’s the last day to get Booth done.  I have to write a paper and take an exam and meet with people.

It’s time for energy drinks, followed by power tools and no sleep.  Caffeine.  It’s a wonderful thing.  Caffeine and music with a good beat.

Let’s do this.

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Another Morning Quote

Because I don’t want to speak right now.  I’m probably going to spend most of my day in contemplation.  From thoughtful-mind:

I have a loyalty that runs in my bloodstream, when I lock into someone or something, you can’t get me away from it because I commit that thoroughly. That’s in friendship, that’s a deal, that’s a commitment. Don’t give me paper – I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that’s for life.

― Jerry Lewis

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