I’m here and I’m there and
Kind of everywhere but at the same time
It’s okay. Things have changed
And I know that I need to
Be patient because that’s the
Only real way to make it through.
Every now and then I stop
And think about all that’s
Happened only to find myself
Completely lost in my own mind and
Completely helpless to the feelings
Then I remember and focus.
The world exists now.
The world will exist later.
The future is real
Even if it seems like it
Doesn’t exist, it still does. The unknown
Will one day become known.
Love and hope are quite possibly the most dangerous emotions. They’re the ones that cause the most joy…and also the most pain.
The last few days have been the most painful I’ve had in a while. Last night I broke down and cried because of the pain I was feeling. I needed to release the pain somehow…and I did.
I was in love. I am still in love. I don’t know if he returns my feelings. I am heartbroken. This is such a painful thing that I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know what to do. I guess I’m going to do the only thing that I can do. I’m going to write about it.
The stars shone brightly in the dark night sky. They lay in the grass and watched them, unaware of time passing. The world continued to exist around them. It didn’t matter.
“Look at the moon,” she whispered, pointing directly above them.
“It’s beautiful. I missed the stars,” he whispered back.
“I did too.”
There was silence after that. The two of them lay on the blanket and continued to stare up at the sky. It wasn’t often that they had the time to relax together. Their schedules were busy and didn’t allow for a lot of time together. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her a little closer.
She rested her head on his shoulder, taking in everything around her. Everything was peaceful. She closed her eyes and listened to his steady breath. It comforted her. The steady rhythm was familiar. It told her she was safe. Her breath slowed down and she started to fall asleep.
On that little hill, an amazing thing happened. She felt safe for the first time in years. She knew that he loved her, and she loved him. She felt complete.
There is one thing that I want.
I want the pain to go away.
There’s only one thing to say right now.
I never knew what a Ted Talk was until I reached college. I’d never heard of them before that.
I listened to this in March when it first came out. I remember I was in my dorm’s kitchen doing some baking.
It has come into my life again. Rediscovered using a playlist a friend showed me. I listened to it again. After I finished baking tonight, funny enough.
How the worst moments in our lives make us who we are-
2014 is coming to an end. This year has been one of the worst I can remember. It’s time for a reflection on that and an evaluation of where I am now.
February- depression and being woken up at 5 AM by campus police because people think I’m attempting suicide. Join a sorority. Starvation.
March- tattooed wrists. Make friends at AEPi. Greek Sing. One of the best months for me. Until the end. Sent to Western Psych overnight for looking like I’m trying to attempt suicide. No food.
April-Carnival. My first, actually. Booth. Sisterhood. AEPi. Then the loss of sisterhood. They kicked me out without a proper explanation. Heartbroken. Forced to go to the IOP. The most difficult month. So much struggling.
May- Start to heal. Finals. Start talking to him. Go home for the summer. Eat.
June- Vacation. Work. Make money. Talking. Feelings. Sea turtles and stand-up paddleboards. Enjoyment.
July- First date of my life. Ever. Followed by 2 more. Car accident. Best month I’ve had in a long time. Happiness. Love. Sunlight.
August- Move back to Pittsburgh. School starts. Return to AEPi. Best summer I can remember EVER happening.
September- Dating. Happiness. Job. Mania. Manic attack at a party. Bad, but good at the same time.
October- Clouds. Darkness. Depression. MARC (Round 2!). Mid-semester break. Returning home out of sheer desperation. Cutting again. 6 months clean…all for nothing. 6 months clean only to be brought down by my own feelings of helplessness and lack of control.
November- MARC (continued). Depression. Loneliness. Pain. Helplessness. “Taking a break.” Thanksgiving. Blood. Tears. NaNoWriMo (take 4). Really bad NaNo novel.
December- Finals. Trying to pass. Emptiness. Loneliness. Regret. Remorse. Sad playlist :/ -1. Return of the past.
I’ve come in almost a full circle in a year. It feels like things are pretty hopeless. It feels like every year will be a cycle. I can’t live this way. Something needs to change next year.
I say that with the full knowledge that nothing is going to change next year. At one point, I would have had hope that 2015 would be better. Even just a few months ago when I was a happier person. Alas. It is not meant to be.
No. No good will come of this year. Not for a very long time. Right now, only sadness and despair reign. If I coloured the calendar according to whether things are good or bad, the darkness would be on 8/12 months. For the first time ever, I had a good summer. The return, of course, was having a really bad rest of the year. The darkness hasn’t gone away, and I’m afraid it’s at the point where it never will.
2015. It’s very close. I wish I knew what to expect.
Of another wave? Or a book? Of a movie? Or a semester?
None. It’s just whatever this time period is. In a while, I’m sure that I’ll figure out better words. Right now, though, things are very strange. It’s difficult to articulate. It’s difficult to do anything, really.
They say, “The struggle is real.” It is. This is the beginning of what’s going to be another struggle. I can feel it. The moods swing up and down as fast as a child on a swing. The feelings change drastically as I spin in place, trying to take in everything around me while it’s still there. There’s a constant darkness around. There’s a constant light hiding somewhere. No matter what frame I’m looking at, no matter what lens, those two elements are present.
Today my lens is emotionally vulnerable and incredibly hormonal girl with a still-broken, still-beating heart. The frame is finals week.
The last thought for this post? No matter how much I want things, I’m not going to get them. A break is the nice way of saying it can’t work. The trouble is knowing that it will never be the same. The pain is knowing it’ll never happen again just because of the circumstances.