I had a very interesting conversation with a friend when I originally wrote this post in March. Despite being in a good place, I think I still agree with my thoughts from before.
We were talking about hope. I told him, my friend, about what happened the last time I dared to hope for a good outcome. I ended up being unable to eat for almost 3 days. Those were dark days in October. Like this, except shorter and less intense.
I know I’ve talked about hope before. Hope was in the box that Pandora opened for a reason. The Greeks were intelligent people. They understood that hope can be just as dangerous as something like envy or any of the other evils of the world. Hope brings its own pain to the table.
Anyway. That conversation got me thinking about human nature. It’s not only human nature but also instinct to avoid things that bring us pain, correct? I think that’s a reasonable assumption. You learn to not touch a hot stove because you don’t want to burn yourself.
We want to avoid pain. But what if the only way to avoid pain is through a different pain? It sounds ridiculous, but isn’t it possible? The answer is of course it is. Some pain is only temporary. Why not go after that in an attempt to avoid the worse pain?
The anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death was fast approaching when I wrote this. It’s a curious thought. It’s been 20 years.
By Whitesnake. They were definitely an 80s hair band. I like watching this music video on VH1’s pop up video programme.
I was having a conversation earlier with someone. I was reminded of this song when I said, “I think that this is what it means to care deeply for another. You want their problems to become yours so they aren’t so burdened, and when that can’t happen, it’s mildly distressing because you care so much for them.” I can’t say I know what love is, Whitesnake, so I’m sorry about that. I can say that I know what real happiness is (to me), though.
So…as many people know, Monday means Teen Wolf. Lately, MTV has been showing commercials for a new show called “Virgin Territory,” which is a show about people who are virgins.
This got me thinking…why? I don’t understand why this show exists. Who CARES about someone else’s virginity? How is that relevant to your life in any way?
The answer is simply that I don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t. I wondered briefly when society turned into a sex-fuelled plane of existence and realized that you probably can’t pinpoint that kind of thing. Sex is part of life, yes. Throughout history, people have had sex regardless of their relationship status. It’s not like this is a new development in history. I don’t think that there’s any reason to change your opinions about a person based on whether or not he/she has had sex in the past. Virginity is a very personal thing with different meanings to different people; I don’t think it’s something that the whole world can agree on.
Why is there a show about virgins, then? This still puzzles me, though I suppose there are people who feel better about themselves knowing they’ve done something a total stranger on TV hasn’t. Still, though. The status of someone’s sex life isn’t something that should concern everyone with a television set. Honestly, if you’re a 20 year old virgin waiting for marriage, then good for you. It’s your choice, and it’s a choice that has no bearing on my life in any way. If you’re a 20 year old who has sex every other night, good for you. It’s still your choice and it still has nothing to do with my life. I am a virgin, partially because I’ve never been in a relationship before and partly because I was raised to think that sex meant something more than just being physical with someone. I was taught that it meant giving yourself, your whole self, to someone in an emotional, mental, and spiritual way*. Does that affect anyone at all? No, it doesn’t, and my sex life (or, rather, lack thereof) has no impact on what you have for breakfast in the morning. Why would anyone else’s?
So here’s the million dollar question: why does this show exist?
*I must admit, though, that I am not too much of a spiritual person. I mean to get the “whole self” point across by including that.
I’m doing a horrible job at keeping a blog this summer. There are 2 main reasons why: work and a new relationship. For anyone who actually likes reading all of this, I apologize. I’m trying to get on the computer, but I’m moving on Friday, so there’s a lot to do.
A song for this morning. By Creedence Clearwater Revival.
I realized yesterday it’s been 2 weeks since I last posted. That also means that it’s been about 2 weeks since I last opened my laptop, which is strange to think about.
A lot of thing have been going on. Work, going to the ER, driving a lot, being happy, the normal kind of thing that happens during the summer but never to me.
Things are starting to slow down. Normality is being restored. I’m moving to Pittsburgh next weekend. My sister and I finally have an apartment, which is nice, but we’re moving out so early… It’s going to be an experience.
Okay. Now I’m just rambling. What a way to return to the internet. Anyway, I’m back. I’m going to be blogging more regularly (even though I said that a few weeks ago…).
They say you can never truly love another until you love yourself. I don’t know how true that is, but I’ve found someone who’s helping me more than he will ever know. He’s helping me learn, not to love myself (for I do not think that possible yet), but to live with myself. Life isn’t so bad. Sure, there are some bad parts. But there are also beautiful ones and fun ones.
Sometimes all you really need is a little bit of happiness to make you realize just how good things can be. And that’s how the last few weeks have been for me. I wrote that top paragraph a month ago, and I can’t help but think of how much has changed. I can’t help but think of how happy I am. Even other people are noticing. I have had customers at work who say I look happier.
The truth is, and this might sound ridiculous but, I AM happier. I feel better now than I have in years. I still have skeletons in my closet, yes, and they’ll never go away, but hopefully they won’t come back to life either. Even if they do, I am better equipped to deal with them. Happiness still exists. You just have to be patient (definitely not one of my strong points) and allow it to approach you. It may be like an abused puppy, constantly kicked around and beaten up on, but eventually it’ll come closer.
And then you will have a reason to be glad you’re still alive. No matter how much shit you’ve gone through, eventually you’ll find a reason to be happy you’re alive. I have.
So…I realized today that it’s been a week since I last posted anything. It probably seems like I’ve gone on vacation or something. I haven’t. I’ve just been very busy.
Over the last 7 days, I have worked ~47 hours, taken a short road trip, and felt beautiful. I’ve felt glad that I’m still alive. There’s a lot more I could say, but I can’t right now. It will come soon enough, though.
Right now, life is good. I am still happy. I feel loved and appreciated and have a warm fuzzy feeling constantly in my stomach. Even going to work is bearable.
I don’t know how regularly I’m going to be blogging anymore. I want to continue posting everyday, but my life just isn’t that exciting. At least once every few days I’ll post, at least until August. Come the school year, I’m sure things will be more interesting and I’ll have more to say.