Friendship

There’s something to be said about having true friends.  True in this case means people who will be there for you when things get rough and then still be there for you when your ship is capsizing a mile away from shore. There will always be people concerned about you (friends), but the ones who do something about it (true) are a different group.  At least, that’s what I think of right now.

Right, back to that thing to be said.  I’m not entirely sure what it is.  A cross between thank you, I’m always here for you, and I care about you.

“Good friends are one of the most valuable things you could ever have.  Guard them well for they are a most precious and rare phenomenon.”
-Gates

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Falling Down

Tonight I took a look at where I am in my head. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so torn in half and so confused.

A nursery rhyme came to mind.
London bridge is falling down
Falling down
Falling down.
London bridge is falling down,
My fair lady.

Why is the bridge falling down? Because it, like me, can’t be stable for too long? Because it’s made for falling down? Because of poor craftsmanship? Because the world is a strange place where the good and the bad times seem to come together to form one day?

I have a problem. As of tonight, I have a problem. Urges are coming back. It’s not good news, though what I’m thankful for is that the thoughts aren’t. Yet.

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Discovery

This is an entire album by Daft Punk.  I’m listening to it again and find that I enjoy it now more than I did the first time I listened to it.  I have incredibly eclectic music tastes, yes (and now I laugh quietly at myself because I can).  There’s something about it that’s just…different.  Well, of course it’s different, but the feel of the music as the album progresses is a feeling I haven’t had in a while.  It’s alive in a way I’ve never really encountered.  It could be the hypnotizing beat.  I feel like this album, like Dark Side of the Moon (Pink Floyd), is an album that I can stare at the ceiling while listening to and still be completely occupied.  It’s pretty awesome!

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First Day

Happy first day of classes, happy people!  I know that it’s been a while since I’ve posted.  Things have been pretty busy, and I had guests over the weekend.  As of today, though, I’m going to get better at blogging regularly.  It’s my goal.

Anyway, classes have started again, so let the celebrations commence!

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Tonight’s Quote and Thoughts

This is a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt (from thoughtful-mind):

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’

― Eleanor Roosevelt

I started tonight with a random rambling post, but after 20 minutes, I deleted it.  This speaks to me more.  This is what I need to keep in mind.

Lately the past has been haunting my thoughts.  I still think about last semester.  It was several months ago, but it’s still with me.  Social media doesn’t help, of course.  I have dreams and random thoughts/memories about the things that happened.  I thought I was getting over it, but I know now that I probably never will.  There will always be a part of me that yearns for the sorority life that was taken from me.  So long as I attend this college, that part of me will live on and will never go away.

With the thought of the life I could have had comes the memories of a very dark time.   My last semester was tougher than almost any other time I can remember.  I have a slight sense of dread at what the future holds, but buried beneath that dread is some hope.  I know I say that hope is for fools and people who don’t know any better.  I am a fool, I admit it.  Being in a relationship has changed me more than even I realize sometimes.  It’s made me hope again.  It’s made me see the future.

Understand this.  For a very long time, I could not see the future existing.  I lived day-to-day, struggling to make it through one day so I could do the same thing the next.  At one point, things were so bleak that I thought, “IF I make it to college next year…” as opposed to, “WHEN I make it to college next year…”  That was not an easy time, to say the least.

I can see the future now, in a manner of speaking.  I think, “When I make it to grad school…” or “When I get a job that I love…”  It’s amazing how a single person can cause this dramatic change.  He’s helped light a path and keep me stable when I start to trip over a tree root or slip down the mountain on this journey called life.  Yes, I know that sounds corny, but it’s true.  He makes me feel pretty and worthwhile…just good in general.  Maybe that feeling is causing a change, but it wouldn’t exist without him.

Things are changing.  Sometimes I feel like I’ve opened my eyes and can see the world around me in a whole new light.  Sometimes I feel like I’ve closed my eyes and I’m seeing through my eyelids.  I can still see, though, and that’s what’s most important.

The struggle that I’ve faced hasn’t gone away forever.  It’s still there.  Last semester I faced one of the deadliest challenges to date.  Now it’s time to face another.  “I lived through this horror.  I can take the next thing that comes along.”

I will.  And I won’t be alone.

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Starry Night Over the Rhone

This is a painting by Vincent van Gogh.  I have a poster of it hanging over my bed in my room.  When I look at it, I’m struck by how simple yet beautiful the world can be.  You don’t need to have precisely drawn lines to have something worth looking at.  For me, at least, part of the value comes from the use of imagination.

So look at it.  What do you see?  Look deeper than just the couple that’s walking down the river.  There’s so much that this painting can say.  The way the water is painted to reflect the light makes me think of how pretty the stars are, even though the lights aren’t stars (those are above).  It makes me appreciate the darkness a little more.  We can find as much beauty in the dark as we can in the light if we look hard enough.

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A Quote and A Memory

From thoughtful-mind.

You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.

― Maya Angelou

I post this quote today for a reason.  It’s first-year move in day on campus.  I think back to where I was about a year ago.  I had no idea what the school year had in store for me.

I was ignorant.  I thought I’d change the world after only a year.  I got rid of the prescription that I was on.  I was excited to be away from home!  College was going to be the best time of my life!  I was going to join a sorority!  And make lots of friends!

I was happily ignorant of what school had in store for me.  Now, a year later, I look back and I’m mildly amused by my own stupidity.  I had a pretty hellish semester last semester, and the one before that wasn’t the greatest in the world.  I thought that going to college meant escaping the past and my bipolar.  Nope.  Not at all.

I’m still here, though.  I made it.  The crushing blows dealt by others have allowed me to test my strengths, and I came out alive, albeit not unscathed.  I didn’t join a sorority, nor will I ever, but I did find AEPi and my boyfriend.  I don’t have lots of friends, but I have a handful of really good ones.  College is an adventure that I’m still on.  I can’t say if it’s been the best or worst time of my life.  If this summer is any indication, this year is going to be a lot better than last.

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